A friend of mine who has went through breast cancer, chemo, mastectomy, and reconstruction posted on Facebook the other night. She mentioned how much she was grieving her life before cancer. She's not able to do all of the things she could do before yet. She has physical reminders on her body and the thinking about cancer and worrying are constantly on her mind.
I know that her and I are going through two totally different situations but when I read what she wrote, I got it.
I feel like I have been in a grieving process these past few months. I know the weather and my ear infection have also contributed, but I have felt so defeated. I've felt like I had lost the old me. Never mind the fact that the old me also didn't feel well- I didn't have the diagnosis of a life long disease then.
I have never felt this low as a wife and mother. I keep wondering if I am damaging these precious souls by my constant irritability. I just miss having energy to do things with them. I miss being in a great mood.
I feel like a failure because it's all I can do to make dinner or start laundry. Our house is not nearly as clean as it usually is and that makes me feel that I am failing at keeping up our home (which is a big part of my job, in my book.)
I know I will come through this, but it's just where I am right now.
I just miss me.