Thursday, January 14, 2010

losing myself

I'm not really afraid to talk about things that most people don't talk about. I've had to do a lot of it the past couple of years. Talking to doctors about what is wrong, telling my husband about these things and of course telling friends. One question I have been pondering lately is, do you ever feel as if your are losing yourself? I've had a few of the moments. Lately it's been more often. I have been suffering from the same health problem for almost a year. It is painful. I have had 5 procedures. Now it hurts every day. Every. day. I feel less and less like I used to. It is eating me alive. It is almost all I think about. I know I'm going to have to have at least another procedure. I want it to go away. I want my kids to not think that their mommy goes to the doctor all the time. You know, I believe God will heal me. I just don't really know what the hold up is. Is my faith not strong enough, is it not the right time? These are questions we all want to ask but feel guilty asking. I know I should get over it. There are people that are suffering much more than me. It is very hard though. I feel bad for myself but I also feel bad for these kiddos. Am I being the best mommy I can be? I am certainly trying but I don't always feel that I am. My husband is so amazing. He does so much. He takes care of all of us. He'll do anything for us and I love him for that. I need to feel like me again. I need prayers for healing and encouragement. I'm usually the listener to what my friends have to say or are going through. Today I feel like being the talker. Sometimes I need kind words and someone to listen.

I pray that I am going through this for a reason. That someday I will be able to help someone else go through something and I will be able to understand when no one else can.

There is a piece of me that I know I will never lose. The urging to want to help people. I know that is part of the plan but what form it will take, I still don't know. I will instill this in my be givers and not takers only.

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