Friday, February 21, 2014

on death and life

I started the post below a little over a month ago.  It's hard for me to share inner feelings like this. I wonder what people will think and will they truly get what I'm trying to say?  

Today, my heart is heavy for family members. One of the closest people in my life lost someone, but it is a very difficult situation and it is breaking her heart. This morning, I learned of other close family members who lost someone dear to them.

Death is real and as humans, it is full of sadness.  We don't always have peace or understanding.

I'm not sure how else to get through times like that without leaning on God. 

"The Lord is near to those who are broken-hearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit." Psalm 34:18

I have so many thoughts swirling in my head lately. Some of them come into extreme focus when I read blog posts from others who seem to experience similar feelings that I do.

These thoughts include: death, funerals, anxiety, how I spend my time, and am I being a good enough mother.

I've talked here before about how my MIL's passing really changed how I viewed life. My anxiety about death became full blown from then on. I have taken steps to address the problem and I am in a good place right now. I still have thoughts, but it isn't panic attack level.

One thought that crosses my mind a lot lately is how life will be as I continue to age. How will I react to more and more people I know passing away?

A co-worker of Tim's passed away recently. As we discussed her funeral, I began to ponder on how I would like mine to be. A thought like that a year ago would have sent me over the edge. 
I want my funeral to be a celebration of life and I don't want it to be dry and boring. I know there will be sadness, but I also want people to leave with hope and happiness because I will be in heaven.

These type of thoughts lead to how I am spending my time. 
I become more and more aware that how I live my life and what I spend my time on will be the things that people remember about me.
I don't want to be remembered as too busy, but rather- how I loved people and life.

And that leads straight back to the death fear. 
I guess I dread it so much because I am happy and do love life. If I could stay at this stage of life, I believe I would. I don't mean that I'm not looking forward to heaven. 
That is another conundrum of mine. 
How can I long for heaven so much, but also long to be living in this stage of life?

Ultimately, my love of life and my family and friends is no comparison to how much God loves me and what He has in store for me after death. However, it certainly is hard to yearn for what we cannot see. 

It is hard to understand why I have the blessed life that I have, while so many millions of people on this earth suffer every day. I'm sure their yearning is more than I could ever imagine. 
It's like I know God's grace, but they really know God's grace. 

I guess I just wonder if everyone else thinks about death as much as I do?


  1. I think about death a lot. My dad died when I was a baby, and then we lost my brother eight years ago. I don't think so much about my own death as I do about what would I do if something were to happen to my husband or my kids. How would I go on and make our little world keep spinning.

    1. I know losing your brother had to be immeasurably hard. I'm so sorry. I think about my death and also what we would do if something happened to my husband. It's scary thinking about life changing in that way.

  2. I think as we get older, our thoughts do turn to death and life. I am 57 and have lost neighbors/friends, my father and father in law and then last year...worse of worse, our oldest son at age 29...quite unexpectantly. I think that knowing what is beyond...seeing heaven and Jesus and knowing he is at peace and with our family up in heaven has saved me. It is still hard and some days are worse than others. We do go on and knowing there is a heaven helps so much.

  3. I forgot to mention too...that reading blogs like yours and Kelly's Korner..with your beliefs have helped so much.


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