a mind dump

I'm sitting at the library because I just finished with a doctor appointment, and if I go home, I will get too distracted with everything else.  Plus, I'm meeting my BFF from high school for lunch in a bit.

I'm experiencing a deep sadness.  I feel like I've lost a great thing.  It's something that's been drifting away for awhile now, but that doesn't make it hurt less.  I'm not discussing what it is, because it's private, but it's always hard to lose things/people that you love.  Sometimes, things change too much to ever stay the same. #itshardgrowingup

So anyways, I had a pretty good weekend!  Tim took me to lunch at a local food truck that we had been wanting to try.  It's a Mexican food truck and it was SO good!  I feel like Tim and I are at an amazing place in our marriage.  It's like the honeymoon stage again.  I'm not experiencing health issues like I was earlier in our marriage, the kids are getting bigger, and we have just worked to make each other the biggest priority.  

We watched the new Star Trek movie after the kids went to bed.  That movie stressed me out! But, it was really great.  Tim informed me that the show was based on the books.  I had no idea that there were books. Now I'm wanting to read them!

Saturday was quite the day.  C Girlie and I did some fun shopping.  It was great to have one on one time with her.  When we got home, we started getting ready for the Razorback game.  I had had my reservations about going because it was supposed to rain.  We suited up and went anyway.  The entire first half, it did not rain.  The second half was a different story.  We were some wet bears by the end!  Thank goodness for rain clothes and boots.  Our team played with such heart!!!

Sunday was DNOW at church.  It's a great weekend of discipleship for high schoolers.  Last year was our first time to go to a DNOW service and I was excited to go this year.  It was awesome.  The worship was led by the Jeff Johnson band and they are great.  Michael Kelley spoke about how to abide in Christ and is was so, so good.  

I decorated the house for fall that afternoon.  I LOVE this time of year so much.  It's my favorite!  It's strange decorating in a new house because you have to find out where you want to put everything again!

Sunday also marked 3 years since Nan left us.  We are not the type to sit around reminiscing, it's just too hard.  We try to talk about her as much as we can with the kids. It completely breaks my heart that they don't have their Nan still. 

Monday, C Girl's class led the Rise and Shine at school. They all read their parts in the book they had wrote for the occasion.  I was SO proud of how well she spoke in the microphone and how she was so confident! She's growing up so much!

I would post the video, but that would require editing it down to just her part, and I don't have time for that right now! Sorry!

I found this saved in my pictures on the iPad.  How sweet is that?! I'm not sure yet which kid made it, but it brightened my day so much! I love my kiddos more than words!

I got to do some shopping, have lunch with Tim(again!), and have a park playdate with friends yesterday. I'm enjoying this awesome weather and trying to have a more open schedule to focus on what matters!

Fall - food - friends - family

It's been quite the busy week around here again.  Monday, I cleaned out our garage and attic.  It feels SO good to be able to walk through our storage side of the garage.  It looks so much better too.  Can I just say that I love having an attic! I've never had one before and I love, love, love it!  I'm also glad it is Fall.  I'm putting out the fall decor tomorrow!

Yesterday, I went with friends from church to the Wooden Spoon in Gentry.  It was so fun and yummy!  

photo credit: Kelly

Last night, we went to Tim's sister's house for a family dinner and balloon release.  Sunday marks 3 years since Nan left us.

I know that we say things break our hearts all the time, but losing her was the first time my heart really and truly broke.  And just like everything that breaks, things are never quite the same afterwards.

We miss her so very much.

Today, I didn't feel the best.  I had a piece of cream cheese pie yesterday and since I'm lactose intolerant, well, I shouldn't have eaten it.  I'm feeling much better tonight and I even attended the 1st PTO meeting at our old school.  I'm so glad they are getting things off the ground and have all PTO officer positions filled.  I think they are going to have a great year!

I'm glad tomorrow is Friday, how about you?

Grief

Grief is a process, not a state.
Anne Grant


Grief is like a moving river, so that's what I mean by it's always changing. It's a strange thing to say because I'm at heart an optimistic person, but I would say in some ways it just gets worse. It's just that the more time that passes, the more you miss someone.
Michelle Williams 


It's been one year.


I'm dealing with things better, but it's always right under the surface.


There are so many big things that have happened this year that I would have called and told her.  Those days are really hard.


We just really miss her.

Great Women

Last December, I wrote about some Grand Ladies in my life that I had lost.  


Last year, was a really tough year for me. 
 Some would say that I was lucky that I had never lost someone close to me before.  


That may be true, but that made it very hard for me to deal with the loss.


Losing someone makes you think. A LOT.  And about lots of things.  


I realized through this thinking that although I lost many great women in my life, I have been blessed with many more.


I started making a list of these women:
Tim's sisters (Karen and Tammy)
My half sister (Marie)
His neices (Khelli and Megan)
His nephew's wife (Sherry)
My brother's wives (Jessica and Veronica)
My brother's wives' moms (Maggie and Diana)
My great, awesome friends (Jessica{she made 2 lists!}, Amber, Kelly, April) [These girls deserve a whole post to just them!]
My aunts (Brenda, Sue and Ann)
My cousins (Love you Missy and all the other girls!)
Grandmas and relatives of my SIL's and my friends
My mom (even though it's not the typical "mother/daughter" thing, she is still my mother)
My Twitter friends (there are some AWESOME, AMAZING women on Twitter!)
Bloggy buddies (most of these are also on Twitter)
Even extended friends and relatives that keep touch and comment on Facebook


I look at that list and think, Wow.  That is a LOT of amazing women that orbit around my life.  They are there for me. They inspire me.  
And? I know there will be more.


As we start our journey with school and getting more involved in community and church, there will be more amazing women entering my life.
I feel so blessed to have such amazing women in my life.  Who are the great women in your life?

Sugar Bowl Day!

Hey, it might be a state holiday if we win, huh?!

It's the first week of the new year.  Not much has been going on around here.  Yesterday was Tim's first day back at work.  It was a doozy.  Scheduling problems at the high school are bad.  And guess who is in charge of the schedule?  Yep.  My hubby.  I've have been saying special prayers for him. 

The kids and I are getting back into our routine again also.  Today we went to storytime at the bookstore, Borders.  The kids like it and it changes things up from only going to the library.  We will also go to storytime at the library this week, but on Thursday. 

Today is a really exciting day for Hog fans!  The Razorbacks are playing in the Sugar Bowl tonight!  I really wish our bowl had been before school started back though.  I really wanted a chance to visit New Orleans again!  The last time I went was 2001 or 2002 for Mardi Gras.  I honestly can't remember! LOL!  But you can bet for sure that we will be watching the game here at our house tonight!  Days like today are a little bittersweet though.  Nan was a HUGE Razorback fan and would have been so excited about this game!  I know she will be cheering, "Go boys!"

Let's Go HOGS!!! Beat the Buckeyes!!!

when someone brightens your day...

unexpectedly and it makes the day turn around.  That. 

I got home today and I had a bit of stress this morning but I found a package in the mail from my sister in law. 
Inside was a sweet letter and two ornaments.  Mementos to put on the tree for us to remember Nan and Granny Dixon.

Grand Ladies

My Granny Cates was the first big blow. 

The first time in my life that I lost someone I was really close to.  The first time I saw the effects of old age on someone I loved.  She was a lady that had one of the biggest impacts on my life.  How I miss her so. 

And then, we lost Rheba.  My heart broke so much more.  I guess because I was around her so much over the past 7 years and she was my kiddos beloved Nan.  Right before Thanksgiving we lost Rheba's mother, Granny Dixon.  I wish I had known her better, but she always was wonderful to me and let me know how much she loved me, Tim and the kids.  I never knew my maternal grandmother but she passed away when I was younger.  These ladies have been my "grands." 

Now, my Granny Cates' sister, my great aunt Georgie has passed away today. 

 She was so sweet!  She showered me with love every time I visited her as a kid, teenager, and some as an adult.  I know she will be missed my many. 

My dad's (technically stepdad, but that is not what I consider him) mother is 94 and in failing health. 

 I'm waiting every day to hear news that she has passed. 

My half sibling's grandmother who has written me and sent me cards most of my life is in the nursing home and not well.  All these ladies that made up my childhood and have been orbiting around my life are all leaving.  Granted, they are going on to a better place, but it makes you feel like pieces are missing from you.  Pieces that make you who you are.

Granny Cates, Aunt Ann (another grand lady in my life!), and me

High Above

High Above


Written and dedicated to Rheba Sparacino by Tim Sparacino on October 5th, 2010.

Mom wanted her ashes spread into the wind on Petit Jean Mountain.

As the sun set on October 4th, 2010, our family held a private memorial service at a location on Petti Jean that looks down upon the Arkansas River Valley where Mom was born and spent most of her life.

This song is a reflection of my thoughts during that ceremony, Mom’s life, and the tremendous joy and love that she brought to all of us.
Goodbye, Mom…until we meet again.


High Above…The River Valley
High Above…Our earthly cares
Sent with love On this sad day
'til we meet again up there.

She lived her life in that valley
She brought us joy, hope, and love.
She was the rock of our family.
Now she rests High Above

High Above…The River Valley
High Above…Our earthly cares
Sent with love On this sad day
'til we meet again up there.

As we look down on the valley.
We think of her and miss her love.
The sun sinks low on this sad day.
But our hope soars High Above.

High Above…The River Valley
High Above…Our earthly cares
Sent with love On this sad day
'til we meet again up there.

She was the rock of our family.
Now she rests, high above.

the pain of loss

The last two weeks have been probably the worst I have ever had to experience. Some of my previous posts tell what was going on during part of it.

Last Wednesday, we lost our Nan. This is my husband’s mother. Truly having joy and optimism after she came through bypass surgery and then losing her a few days later to something unrelated is so very very hard. The pain in my heart sometimes overwhelms me. She was more than just a mother in law to me. I truly loved her as a mother and she was a great mother to Tim and amazing Nan to all her grands and greats.

Walking into her apartment on Thursday morning of last week was so awful. I could smell her but she was not there. Then, we started going through the box that she kept her final affairs in. She had left a couple of letters for everyone. You have no idea how much peace those letters have given me and I’m sure everyone else. Excerpts of them were read at her memorial. It was so hard going through her things.

Yesterday was her memorial and it was beautiful and I believe that it would have been just what she would have wanted. Afterwards, we were blessed to have a good friend of Rheba’s, provide us with a wonderful lunch. We took it and went out to Merritt Park and had a great time being together. It was awesome to watch my kiddos play with all of their cousins, big and little. The older guys are so great playing with the smaller kids. I am so happy that they have so many cousins, aunts and uncles who love them dearly. I was not privileged to grow up around a lot of family; most of my family is not close except my biological father’s family. I’ve only gotten close to them since I was high school age.

One of Rheba’s requests in her letter was that we all stay close. She would have been so happy to see us all together yesterday. Oh, how I wish she could have been there. I cherish the times that we all come together as a family. You never know when it could be the last with someone. We miss her dearly and there will always be a hole in my heart, but there are so many great memories to reflect on. I only hope that I can be a great mother and Nan like she was; to love and enjoy every child and grandchild. Like she said, “I always thought that’s what a mom and Nan does.” What a blessing it was for Keith, Karen, Tim and Tammy to have such a wonderful mother. Trust me, not everyone is blessed with such a loving and giving mother.

My children are still very young, but I hope they know and will remember how much she loved them and how proud she was of them.

Yesterday evening, the entire family drove up to Petit Jean mountain. It was a perfectly beautiful day.

We all stood at a beautiful overlook and said our final goodbye to her as we spread her ashes out off of the mountain and over the river valley where she lived most of her life. She is free from pain and with her Lord.

Do not stand at my grave and weep;

I am not there, I do not sleep

I am a thousand winds that blow.

I am the diamond glints on snow.

I am the sunlight on ripened grain.

I am the gentle autumn rain.

When you awaken in the morning's hush

I am the swift uplifting rush

Of quiet birds in circled flight.

I am the soft stars that shine at night.

Do not stand at my grave and cry;

I am not there. I did not die.

Current news about Rheba

Well, I was going to write tonight about Rheba still doing well.  However, that all changed at about 5:30 this evening.  But actually, I have to go back a little further.  She has been complaining of severe stomach pain since she came to after surgery.  It has kept her from walking around much and kept her from eating.  She had apparently not gone to the bathroom in about 9 days.  So, somehow this caused her to go into cardiac arrest this evening.  They finally got her stable and starting running tests to try and find out what is wrong.  Everything was pointing to stomach/intestine issues.  There was even the possibility of going in for surgery tonight.  Well, not long ago the doctor came in to tell them that during the cardiac arrest episode, she vomited and some of it went into her lungs.  It is causing inflammation and she is developing aspiration pneumonia.  She needs lots of prayers right now.  They are giving her medication to treat it and watching her to see how she is doing.

Friday night update

We are finally home.  Rheba has still not fully awakened from the anesthesia, it seems strange to me, but the nurses don't seem worried at all.  Everything still looks great.  She will be in the CVICU for the weekend and then will head to another room.  She will probably be in that room for about 5 days before getting to go home.  I wish we could have stayed the entire time.  Now that we know she is doing well so far, we needed to get home for a bit.  Tim has to head back to work Monday and some other things needed to be done.  Hopefully, tomorrow will have good news of her being fully awake!  I know she doesn't want to miss the Hog game!!!!

Many praises to God!

Rheba went into surgery around 8am this morning and came out a little after noon. The surgeon said that everything went great! She will be in the ICU for a couple of days and usually if there are going to be complications, they will arise in the next few hours. I am so thankful for a wonderful doctor who gave her a second opinion, gave her hope, and ultimately saved her life! My children will have the blessing of having Nan watch them grow! We are going to get to go in to see her for a few minutes at 5pm and 8pm. I hope she is waking up by the 8pm visit. Thank you to everyone who said a prayer for Rheba!

Today's news

We have had a loooong day. We made the long trek to Little Rock. We arrived at the hospital around 2:30 and Rheba didn't get into a room until after 4pm. We finally got to meet with the doctors around 6pm. We are very happy with the surgeon. He seems very confident. He is going to look over her tests and stuff and meet with us tomorrow about what the plan is. Rheba will more than likely have surgery sometime on Thursday. She is in room 943 at Baptist Medical Center in Little Rock. We are hoteling it up for the next 3 days or so and the kids love being in a hotel! We sure do appreciate all the thoughts and prayers from everyone! It is such a blessing to have such great people that we have known. We may not get to see everyone much but you are still thought of.

Prayers Needed

I don't know who all reads this blog.  It's a blog about our family that I share with our family.  Right now, our family needs prayer.  Tim's mother has recently been diagnosed with blockage in all her arteries, neck and legs and she needs a new aortic valve.  The first doctor told her that he didn't think she would make it through the surgery.  She got a second opinion and this doctor is willing to start with doing the bypasses and aortic valve replacement.  Rheba has been having severe chest pain and severe shortness of breath.  She is very weak.  But I know my God works miracles.  Please, if you have just a second, send up a prayer for Rheba.  We greatly appreciate it.  We think that the surgery will be on Wednesday morning.  We are leaving in the morning to join the family and travel down to Little Rock to the Arkansas Heart Hospital.